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Saturday, November 19, 2005

semi-stream of consciousness update:

(and semi, because heaven forfend y'all have to listen to the entire tape that plays in my head...)

i'm listening to Honey Girl (dwarf hammie) spin away on her ferris wheel, and think that i'm very grateful my hamsters are more compulsive than me. it's only in measuring ourselves against others (people, places, things, animals, events) that we get a sense of our selves some days, i think.

and the hamsters... ye gods and little fishes. i lost james, and then we had to have the pest control people in to deal with the field mice. bold as brass, those mice! came out, sat down, did all but pull up a seat and get a drink. kills me that we had to put down poison, but as a homeowner, and looking at the damage to the wires et al... still makes me sad. don't even ask me about the afternoon i found a small, dried husk of a mouse in my back hall.

anyway, james escaped, and i did everything i could to replace her before Little Man got home, because i couldn't stand to tell him. but i couldn't fix the problem, and i had to tell him, and it sucked. really, how much worse does it get than breaking your kid's heart? after he cried a bit, LM asked if he could get a new hammie, and i'd already cleaned the cage in anticipation of just such a request. we went, and he picked out a dwarf hammie - exceptionally cute, and not likely to escape, as every container we have is bigger than her. (and i only feel a little guilty about laughing when the hammies pelt themselves against the side of the bin, trying to escape - they don't get hurt, they don't escape, and it's a hoot to watch their efforts.)

and i'm not above bribery. LM not only got a new hammie (who, at this writing, is still here, and happy, and healthy), but two Siamese fighting fish.

of course, there's a story there, as well.

i took a short cut. **bells and whistles go off** i thought that using the water treatment chemicals would make tap water safe - as it says on the side of the bottle of chemicals. but apparently, this is just a pretty story. and if you've seen the reconstruction of the water system in our town over the last year (revamping 100+ year old pipes, some of which are *wooden*), you would know exactly how foolish my trust in the label was.

as if it wasn't bad enough that i contributed to losing two of his hamsters, i managed to off 4 of his fish. (don't even ask for the gory details. and no, i don't have pictures.) the first, we dealt with together. the second, i hid. the next two, not only did i hide, but i also hid all the evidence, went out, completely replaced the tank/gravel/plants and fish, and prayed that it would all look the same to LM. as of tonight, when he was feeding them, it seems to have worked.

oh, the lies we weave to protect our kids... did i tell you about the Tooth Fairy escapade?

random fact: bowling was invented, as far as we know, in Egypt, several thousand years ago. and why do i know this? because of my penchant for reference materials, and my insatiable curiousity. so, i was beta testing a game last week. and it had an Egyptian theme. and the closing sound effect for a round was a strike (amazing how distinctive a bowling strike sound is). and i thought, whaaaa? so. off i went, to research bowling. come to find out, the first known extant bowling set/lane/what have you was found in Egypt on an excavation. whaddya know? ;)

yeargh... sooo cold tonight! and what is up with the weather? all i want are a few dry, warmish days in a row, so i can finish cleaning up the leaves.

oh! speaking of cleaning... we had another round with the boiler/heater. classic case of too many cooks... we were all (four of us) messing around with the boiler when each of us was in the basement. but apparently, none of us actually knew what we were doing, fiddling with various knobs. so... the radiator system was flooded, the boiler was at a standstill, and our tenants had no heat last week. gaaaaahhh!

*sigh* hubby dealt with it all the next day, and our tenants were great. our heater guy talked hubby thru it all on the phone.... and hubby dumped 100 or so gallons of steaming, nastygrass water on the cellar floor. thank heavens for the sump pumps (yes, that's plural), the french drain, and the push broom.

feh. at least i made a dent in the compost heap (read: leaves let to sit too long in the driveway) last weekend.

god, i hate interviewing. i've had vivid dreams, bordering on nightmares, about this. (also dreams/nightmares about several other subjects. the odd thing is, hubby often gets up before me, and starts watching videos or DVDs about magic, since that's his profession, so i'll be sleeping and dreaming about, say, a house, where i may be a tenant, or looking with friends, or the landlord, and renovating, or moving in... and all of a sudden, i'm figuring out how to slice a card in half. verrrry surreal.)

but here's the thing: i'm interviewing. and that's a huge step forward.

and for every step forward, there are two steps back. the Holiday Season is coming up, and i'm feeling less than great about keeping up with family. yeah, i could say that i've had my head firmly up my ass for the last year. but that would just be a cop out. it really doesn't take that much to keep up with family. (Honey Girl is running obsessive rounds in her cage.) *deep breath* but. and yet. still. why is it that i feel the need to put a qualifying statement in here?

because i feel badly. i feel badly that i've ever given less than my best to the people i love. i love them, care about them, want to know how they're doing, want to support them, want to hang out and talk about where we all are...

And. Then Life Happens.

and i get sidetracked. please don't think that i'm saying Life is an excuse. it isn't. everyone i love is dealing with so much more than i am, and they're still reaching out.

i guess what i'm trying to deal with is finding out how to balance all the details, and Be A Grownup, and keep in touch, and ... and. And. oh, me oh my. the number of times i've wanted to call my parents, and apologize for testing/stressing them unintentionally, and thank them in spades for their patience, and just say 'now i know' has gone off the Richter scale lately. that, and trying to figure out budgeting, and owning a home, and finding a job...


*sigh* and hubby put up a few shelves in the back hall the other day, to create a cold pantry. even after i sorted everything out, filled the shelves and cleaned the kitchen? still looks like crap. note: i wanted to create a pantry because i've been pitching packages on top of cupboards for a while, and it looks way messy. i suppose there was a change, but i just couldn't see it.



dang, but i hate being stressed out.

:: scribbled at 12:47 AM ... ... o