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Friday, February 11, 2005

i should clarify something about the last entry: she does not have a key.

there is no way for her to come in while we aren't here. she called to come by and drop off something, could we do her a favor, would we mind and she'd be by on her way home, last minute blah de blah blah. The Dane was here, of course. and so was Little Small - who wanted to show her his room. so he did. there is no reasonable way to prevent that from happening, because who would get hurt? right. so.

i don't know how to name this emotion, or what to do with it. i feel hurt, and immensely sad, and as if my personal space has been violated. i got thru last night by envisioning my home as the personal space i carry with me, not the physical location where my things are. by pulling in the boundaries, it was possible to minimize the .... what? hurt? anger? betrayal? nausea, or whatever that twist in my gut is? it's all of those things, and none of them.

i can't put a name on what this is, but i need to, so i can let go of it. it needs to not be part of my life. i have better things to give my energy to.

:: scribbled at 1:28 PM ... ... o

some days are better than others.

while today (eta: Thursday, altho by now it's Friday) certainly had its bright, shiny moments (like not falling down while speaking in public, and getting a tight, tight squishy hug from Little Small), others have left me immensely sad.

i was off doing good, productive things, and the ex wife came by the house. she came into the house. she walked around my home. this person has the right to come into my home, unannounced and without my participation or permission. there's nothing i can do to change that. yes, i could pitch a fit and demand that she be kept out, but who benefits from that? so it is what it is.

it feels vaguely like the time my old apartment was robbed. and i don't like it.

:: scribbled at 12:50 AM ... ... o

Wednesday, February 9, 2005

y'know, sometimes it's the absence of things that we appreciate.

for example: i was lying in bed the other night, relishing the complete silence in our neighborhood. mind you, there were plenty of sounds - wind, drips from melting snow, animals scurrying about, heating pipes gurgling. but there was no noise, no aural clutter, no incessant hum of people and things.

when we first moved here, i wasn't able to sleep for a few nights. i initially attributed it to stress, but it finally clicked: there was no *noise*. i couldn't hear traffic, or neighbors, or the hum of the city. *shakes head* in retrospect, i can't imagine how i lived with that clutter for so many years. now, here, with my hubby, in our beautiful, quiet home, i can relax into the silence. and it's nice.

:: scribbled at 12:33 AM ... ... o

Monday, February 7, 2005

'bout time for a round of monday madness, i think.

1. How many clocks (not watches) are in your home? How many of them are digital? How many do you really look at during the day?

hmmm...3 in the kitchen, one grandmother clock in the dining room (needs winding), one on the VCR (which is never accurate), two alarm clocks in the bedroom (approximately accurate), one in the shower (a little green froggie who sits on the window sill), one in the computer, and time check is always available thru sattelite dish. also, the cell phones have clocks in them. with the exception of the grandmother clock, they're all digital, which worries me a bit; i think we should get at least one analog clock for Little Small to use on a regular basis. i look at the computer one when i'm on the computer, and reference the ones in the kitchen pretty regularly.

2. How many lamps (non-overhead lights) do you have in your home? What's your average wattage? Are any of them energy saver bulbs?

six, at the moment; there are a bunch more we just haven't set up, as the place has a myriad of wonderful lights - recessed, sconces, chandelier, and nearly all of them with dimmers. average wattage on the lamps is 60 or 75, and i don't think a one of them is energy saver at the moment.

3. How many house plants do you have in your home? How many need more attention than you give them?

two - one in the bathroom upstairs, where it gets regular attention, and one on top of the CD rack downstairs, where it survives a benign neglect. at the moment, there's also one on the dining room table, altho i suspect it will only last a month or two; i try to keep fresh flowers, or a flowering plant, on the table, because it brightens up the space.

4. How many photos/pictures/drawings/child's art are on your walls? How many from each of the four categories?

one painting on the side of the refrigerator (i'll have to post a picture soon, as it brightens my day every morning), and a handful on a magnetized bulletin board strip thingie in LS's room. we haven't hung much of anything in the apartment, because as much as i like art, i also like the clean, bare walls.

5. About how many electric gadgets are in your kitchen? How many are used on a daily basis? How many are used occasionally? How many have been used once and stashed? How many have never been used?

hm... crock pot, disposal, coffee maker, coffee grinder, dish washer (with power soak! and speed dry! whoo hoo!), microwave, refrigerator (with water/ice dispenser), toaster/convection oven. all of these are used nearly daily, except the crock pot, which gets a run about once a week. ones that see less frequent use: hand mixer, blender, food processor, and rice cooker. handy, just not necessary so often.

:: scribbled at 8:45 PM ... ... o

Sunday, February 6, 2005

unconscious mutterings:

Shelter:: essential
Karate Kid:: Ralph Machio
Andrew:: Hurricane
Rib:: eye steak
Push it:: to the limit, one more time... *hums softly to self*
Creep:: slink
Chainlink:: fence
Squash:: butternut
No mercy:: unrealistic
Superhero:: powers

a note on the last one: we were driving to see some friends for dinner last night, and the traffic was atrocious. Little Small was getting restive, as was i (altho he had the luxury of goofing around in the back seat, rather than gripping the steering wheel). just to break the monotony, i figure i'd throw out some random questions to get him thinking and talking.

me: so, if you could pick one superpower, what would it be?
he: well, i'd pick two.
me: those weren't the ground rules. which one would you want most?
he: speed, so i could win all the races!
me: heh. okay, what's the other one?
he: laser beam eyes.
me: and what would you do with that one?
he: cook you breakfast! i could make the eggs and the toast hot, and then use my speed to run to the couch for cartoons!

how cute is my kid? ;)

:: scribbled at 7:29 PM ... ... o