always looking forward to family vacation. :)
Saturday, October 25, 2003
unconscious mutterings:
1. Roadtrip:: Vegas
2. Honey:: morning
3. Flanders:: Venice
4. Vampire:: succubus
5. Justice:: fleeting
6. Marine:: West
7. Protractor:: slide rule
8. Rubber:: hose
9. London:: France (you know... the underpants song)
10. Jerry:: Falwell
:: scribbled at
11:13 PM ...
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o
Friday, October 24, 2003
oh, yeah -
if the furniture in here seems a bit messy this weekend, my apologies. because (having said all that about chaos and change) i desperately need to change the layout here. lovely beach hut, but a bit out of season. and that's been on the list of 'things i need to do but haven't found time for' for about two months now. anyway, bit of a change in the works.
:: scribbled at
5:48 PM ...
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o
almost breathing room...
funny how you can gear up to do a hard thing, and be fine all thru it, and then when you see the light at the end of the project and you only have a few things left to do, it all becomes too much.
and that's how i've felt for the last week. we, The Dane and i, packed up his whole damn house, found him a new apartment, loaded up the truck (with the help of his brother, who rocks), unloaded the truck (with the help of B, who also rocks), set up the new place, and managed to take Little Monkey Boy out a few times, as well as talk with him about how he felt about the whole move. all of that came together quite nicely, with minimal ex-wife static. and we got a lot done.
and then i fell apart.
see, in my willingness to help out, i forgot one key ingredient: me. sounds fairly self-evident in hindsight, but my life still needed care and feeding as well. instead, i sort of put it on hold, and then had a fairly major freak out. walking back into my space after what felt like months, i was overwhelmed by what seemed like an atrocious amount of piggy little messes that needed addressing - dishes, mail, laundry, various piles of assorted stuff that had just been accumulating. probably nothing more than the usual, but my chaos meter was fairly well burnt out, and all i wanted was clean and quiet and peace and scented candles and warm blankets and hot cocoa.
so. as a result, i've been in minimal mode for a bit. minimal effort to get myself out the door, minimal effort to feed my face, minimal effort to be in contact with anyone. shower, work, eat, sleep. lather, rinse, repeat. fit in a panic attack about not dealing with bills or a major project at work, and dig down to find the resources to manage all that and make it less panic-inducing.
i'm starting to feel a bit more human, like i can deal with more than one piece of information at a time without going 'yes! no! i mean ... what's the answer? i don't know! i was dead at the time!'.
there's one last afternoon of chores to do at the old house, and then that's done. there are plenty of things to do at the new apartment, and there's time to spare for those. there's the giddy pleasure (and vertigo of not knowing what comes next) of having my two favorite guys closer to me.
there was the wonderful evening of laughter to the point of exhaustion with Jen and The Dane and Chica and her parents and Eddie Izzard. how the man can be dead on funny for three hours straight, i do not know. i do know this: his solution to the whole gun thing had me in tears of laughter. 'ban all the guns. leave the field artillery. from World War II.' Eddie, in a miniskirt and stilletto heels, miming a kid loading a field artillery cannon...and missing was way too funny. also, the whole 'slowly slowly catchy monkey' thing? has taken on a life of its own. i'm just saying.
i find myself obsessing about the good bits, and seeking reassurance that i've done something positive for others, because part of the last few weeks has been increased ... what. communication? exposure? interaction? annoyance? i've had to deal with the ex wife a lot, and while some of it has been neutral, some of it has really gotten under my skin. i don't take well to people without manners. and let's leave it at that.
*deep breathing* i guess what it all comes down to has been change. i call it chaos, but really, it's change. change can be good. i think these changes *are* good. it's just... been a lot of it, all at once, and i'm ready for things to settle down some. they will, certainly. i'm just not being very patient about it. it's hard for the control freak in me to sit back and wait for everyone else to sort themselves out and see what sort of shape things will take.
do i sound rambley? i am rambling, aren't i? see, this is what happens when you dump out two weeks worth of events all at once. ;)
:: scribbled at
5:46 PM ...
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o
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
just a quick note to say...
that it was a silver lining sort of night, but that i'm still too worn out to do much of anything, including form a coherent sentence. holding it together for two weeks on behalf of several people is possible, but then leaves me useless for some time after that.
:: scribbled at
7:10 PM ...
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o
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
i can't decide if it's a spoon day or a silver lining day.
i'm immensely frustrated, frazzled, overwhelmed, and completely incapable of dealing with chaos right now. i think my chaos meter has burnt out. and i'm too frazzled to even vent (for which you are most likely grateful, yes?).
on the other hand, Eddie Izzard tonight, with friends and family.
i'm working on seeing the silver lining.
:: scribbled at
5:26 PM ...
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o
Monday, October 20, 2003
unconscious mutterings:
Country:: mouse
G:: Love and Special Sauce
Offer:: temptation
Connection:: speed
Quest:: Holy Grail
Lighthouse:: Cleveland Ledge Light
Sycamore:: Avenue
Inhumane:: animal abuse
Sneer:: Dudley Doright
Weapon:: missing
:: scribbled at
10:38 AM ...
...
o
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