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Saturday, November 4, 2006

oh, i just need to calm the hell down and let go.

because by holding on to *any* of this, their drama becomes my drama, and i am oh so not about the drama.

i actually spent time thinking about what to wear today, and planning to style my hair, and what shoes to wear, and .... WTF? those of you who know me know that this is so very not my style.

and i got that i was giving my energy to making an impression on the parents, to prove something to them, to prove that i was better than her, so that they would leave us alone, leave my hubby alone. pointless, all of that. it's not a contest, it's not about who's better, it's not about proving anything to people who don't give a shit, won't have their minds changed, and who already leave us alone. any problem is purely of my own manufacturing.

so i threw on whatever i felt like wearing (turtleneck and fleece, because it's sunny but cold), didn't bother with my hair, and made sure i had a big ol' vat o' tea. and it was fine.

i'm still working on the letting go, because part of my brain is still chewing over what happened this morning (which was: nothing). the brain is combing thru, looking for interpretations, and stop it, brain! because what happened was this: MedSm and i set up the fields, hubby came to the game, MedSm played hard and had a good game, and then we all went home. MedSm asked to go with them, and TEW said it's his day to be with us, and they could do something with her parents tomorrow. reasonable question, reasonable response. there is no more to it than that. the territorial, defensive Mama Bear side of me needs to stop posturing, and go back into hibernation.

we're off, MedSm and me, to get him a haircut and go to the library, and maybe a museum. we'll see. it'll be a lowkey, non-drama sort of day. :)

:: scribbled at 10:54 AM ... ... o

Friday, November 3, 2006

late, late, late... spent too much time working on my latest project tonight, and now find myself sitting here at 11:28, trying to make the cutoff.

by 'too much time', i mean 'enough time for the project at hand, without actually planning for any other project or endeavor', so what it boils down to is poor time management. guess i really shouldn't complain over that one, as it's self-inflicted.

and, so, i was going to write about how i'm not really a complainy snarky bitch, because that may be what you got from the last post. but? yeah, you got it. this week, i really am a complainy snarky bitch. tired, tired, swamped, tired, missing quality time with my hubby, and tired. plus, PMSing in spades, a problem which does not seem to have abated with the end of the M, nor with copious applications of sugar and salt (not at the same time, altho that's tempting).

the current project is reorganizing all my recipe binders. i've been thinking about the project for a few months. a few weeks ago, i pulled the binders off the shelf and put them by the couch. last week, i finally disassembled the binders (three ring, with two recipes per sleeve, or whatever those clear plastic pages are called). then the sorting began. oh, my lord... i'm thru the first pass of sorting, and have finished reassembling two binders. yay, go me!! ultimately, this will all save time, but ye gods and little fishes... it sucks getting there.

right. so. kate asked, in comments, if the Halloween** exhaustion came from sugar rush/crash. ah, but it were that.

and it got me to thinking about candy, and priorities, and responsibility, and how very much MedSm's brain may be fried by his 'rental units, or living arrangements, or by dint of being a child of divorce. (shouldn't there be a term for that, like there is for widower?) i think he's coming thru well, with a pretty broad base for life interpretation, but you never know.

see, here's how Halloween works here: he goes, he gets candy, and once he's had dinner (no shirking on the veggies, and he doesn't), he can eat all the candy he wants. i know he'll stop before he gets sick. and why shouldn't he have the chance to do that? this and Easter are the two times that candy indulgence is sanctioned.

he was on the phone with his biomom the other night, and i heard him telling her that he'd eaten all the candy he wanted. you could almost hear the explosions as her head imploded. (right. oxymoron. whatever.)

this is what i don't get: she will ration out the candy a piece at a time, but doesn't appear to give a shit about him wearing his glasses. she'll make a big deal out of others treating him with respect, then call him a klutz. feh. i shouldn't get started. anyway - her set of priorities don't make sense to me. i'm not claiming to be a better parent, or to know the right way to do things. i just don't understand.

okay, y'know, part of that is bullshit. i do think that i'm a better parent, in some ways. i fuck up on a daily basis with MedSm, because i don't get it right, and he's hurt or sad. and i'm sure there are some major things that i just don't see, and he'll come back to me in 20 years after serious therapy to explain them to me. however.

here's how i approach it, when the rational part of my brain is working (read: he hasn't stomped all over my last nerve, and i haven't lost my logical sense) - as long as his behaviors are not self-harming, or hurtful to others, most will be self regulating. to wit: nail biting. i don't hassle him, because at some point, his fingers will bleed and he'll try to curb the habit. and he has - he tries to whistle when he'd rather be biting his fingers. yes, we try to encourage good social behavior, and i try to not lose my mind over it when he doesn't hit the (set incredibly high by me) bar.

then there are the behaviors he needs to learn, like brushing his teeth, and washing *everything* with *soap*, and wearing his glasses. and then there are the things that don't seem to be so important. eat all the candy you want for a few days? go for it! so, pretty much, it seems that our parenting approaches are diametrically opposed.

that, and i can't deal with her passive victimy bullshit. i got an email today about how i should dress MedSm for the weather tomorrow (and then there was the whole incident last week, where she didn't give him a coat, and it was 40 degrees out), and could you please tell me if the game is at the same time i have in my calendar (the same time it's been scheduled for for weeks), and how her parents would be at his game *gag*, and how they were all going to this big holiday thing in town. implied is: my parents drove soooooo far to be here, and aren't they *great* for coming to his game? and don't they *rock*? and you should just hand MedSm over to us for the day, because he'd *love* going to this thing with his *real* grandparents, who drove *sooooo* far to get here!!!!!

honestly, i've gotten emails that actually look like the implied comment. so i don't think i'm stretching.

my entire response was: yep, game is at the same time as always. see you there.

i'll be dosing up my vat of caffeine with lots of calming herbs tomorrow, you betcha.

**side bar: did i mention that i think the school system's replacement of all mentions of highly commercialized to the point of nonsense Halloween with far more religiously charged harvest celebration - because that's all the wacky wiccan/pagan/witchy stuff - is full of shit? they're trying to avoid religion, and stepping hip deep in it... and you do know the 'wacky' comment is sarcastic, right?

:: scribbled at 11:31 PM ... ... o

Thursday, November 2, 2006

i'm tired. really freakin' tired. tired enough that i'm gonna dump a whole bunch of stuff, no filters.

(those with delicate constitutions are advised to step away and have a cup of chamomile tea.)

as i was stepping out of the shower the other day and drying off, i caught a little glimpse, a piece of who i've been and could be - a thin, tanned ankle, toes sparkling with rings, all attached to a happy, carefree person enjoying life. i've been this person, and i haven't seen her in far too long.

i'm tired of feeling like i'm always on the go, or needing to do something - return a call, pay a bill, clean the house, drive MedSm somewhere, be at work, be at my second job, be at my third job, negotiate the budget, do the food shopping, organize play dates, book gigs for hubby, clean the yard, clean the car, clean up the cat puke, repair the shower, feed all the animals, scrub down the sink, do the laundry, plan family days, negotiate with The Ex Wife, work with our accountant, file the taxes, of having every flat surface in our house covered with dust or crap... FUCK! it's overwhelming. i'm tired.

i'm tired of The Ex Wife. her drama, her bullshit, her Republican white-bred conservative homophobic politics, her need to be the center of the drama, her anger when i don't play into it, her need to lie and manufacture bullshit to get her way when a simple request would work, her existence. yep, that's right, today i'm pissed off that she breathes in and out. i didn't say this would be a rational rant. i'm completely exhausted by how she manipulates and abuses MedSm without even seeing the damage that consistently calling him stupid and clumsy is doing. i'm enraged by the fact that she still uses hubby as target practice when she's having a bad day.

i'm equally exhausted by her "best friend", who, upon hearing a positive thing that i said about her "best friend", decided that meant she and i were "best friends". never mind that the path should have been, 'you said something nice about my friend, and we're still acquaintances'. nope, "best friend" has decided to glom onto me at any moment and dump her particular brand of vitriol on me. she hates her husband, her life, the airlines, the gas companies, the school board, the teachers, the postman, the milkman... well, you get the idea. and i have no room or time for complaints for the sake of complaining. but she doesn't get it, and i don't yet have the heart to tell her to piss up a rope. it's coming, tho, and damn freakin' soon.

i'm tired of being broke. i'm learning to be a good little mouse and save money, work with a budget, negotiate every damn penny, and i hate it. i get that it's necessary. just once, i'd like to not care where that candy bar came from.

i'm tired of feeling like crap. i'm tired of headaches, i'm tired of my feet hurting when i get up in the morning, i'm tired of toothaches and bad back and sore joints, and god freakin' damn it, it shouldn't hurt so much. esp. now that i'm making a doubly concerted effort to keep up with appointments, eat better, exercise more... fuck.

i'm tired of politics. i hate The Shrub, i hate how many of our soldiers have died for absolutely no reason, i hate that they died for a fucking charade to smoke screen other issues, i hate that North Korea is about to go postal, and i *hate* local politics. yeah, i've watched the gubernatorial debates to make sure i understood where the candidates stand. Mihos? fucking joke, and only entertaining for about 20 seconds. who cares where you were born, dude? Healy? god almighty, get the sequoia out of your ass, lady. i'm divided between Patrick and Ross, and that's another post. arguing over the same small shit every damn time gets tired, and the debates just wear me out.

i'm tired of smaller politics, as well. while it may not appear this way to some, i'm not about conflict. (good time to say that, huh?) there's no need to tear down anyone for you to succeed - and yet, i seem to be around a lot of people who feel that way. trying to figure out how to say 'there is another way' without becoming One Of Them is exhausting some days. and there are several other interpersonal situations (delicate word, isn't that? situations...) that make me sigh and shake my head. i wonder what i'm not seeing or doing or bringing to the game that it comes to this, a minor version of the Cold War.

fuck a duck, i'm tired. i would so love to wake up in a calmer, gentler world, where we all worked for the positive. and knowing that's not likely, and the work it will take for me to create that on my own small, personal scale... makes me want to shove my head back under the covers in the morning.

:: scribbled at 10:16 PM ... ... o

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

this is one of those days where i feel like youth is wasted on the young.

i am *wiped* *out* from Halloween, and all i did was give out candy at the door. truth be told, it's more about being wiped out from working, then making dinner, coordinating trick or treat dates, prepping dinner for tonight, doing dishes and a few other chores, and not getting enough sleep.

still, i'll go with blaming it on Halloween.

i may even be an old lady and make my kid go to bed early so i can do the same.

i had a friend in high school who thought that Daylight Savings in the fall should be a national holiday. he lived for that day where he got a bonus hour of sleep. and the year he missed it? was inconsolable.

yeah, it's gonna be an early night.

:: scribbled at 6:50 PM ... ... o