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Saturday, September 24, 2005

ai yi yi.

i've been tired a lot lately, but tonight... yeesh. we all sat on the couch for Family Movie Night (a DVR'd airing of Robin Hood, and Little Man pointed out that the hamster dance song is a speeded up version of the theme song for Robin Hood)... and about half way thru, at 9ish, we were all passed out and snoring.

is this what comes with being a parent? only semi-rhetorical...

i also spent the better (?) part of the afternoon wrangling 7 year olds at a birthday party, playing score keeper for the last foursome at minigolf. it was a good party, and a good space, and pretty good kids, but ohmilord, negotiating and herding those kids for two hours... feh. there's also one parent who... well, let's just say, i get along better with the ex-wife than i do with this one, who still jumps in the middle where she's not wanted.

anywhoo... small second wind, which is good, because laundry needs to be done, and then: tomorrow, sleeping in, a sound romp with hubby, and gardening. hard to believe after all the nice weather that it's cold enough nights to worry about frost, but i'd rather get the bulbs in sooner than too late. (right, i'm just glossing by that middle bit. *g*) with any luck, i may have a few photos up later tonight, as well.

eta: photos of the pets, that is...

:: scribbled at 10:16 PM ... ... o

... and then there are days like this:

while you can intellectually appreciate that your kid has developed the ability to debate, and you don't want to quash that skill... you really, *really* wish he wouldn't use it on you. and you feel like you spend your whole day saying no, in various cadences and tones. and that sucks.

:: scribbled at 1:45 AM ... ... o

Friday, September 23, 2005

how to drive a hamster crazy in one easy step:

undo all the hard work she just did, stuffing every single tube full of wood shavings. :)

:: scribbled at 3:38 PM ... ... o

Thursday, September 22, 2005

so, i was doing some thinking today.

(and given the current state of my brain, that's not necessarily a good thing. most people, when worried about their significant other, have sympathy pains. i, on the other hand, have had entire sympathy nightmares for my hubby. he's had several big performance dealios lately, and as a result, i've dreamed about working out entire onstage performance bits for myself - in my case, a 15 minute standup comedy arc based on jokes that Little Man has told me lately, as well as literature and grammar lessons thrown in for good measure. yeah. don't go there.)

anyway... i realised, in light of something i discussed in a few recent posts, and the feedback i got, particularly from katherine and me-liz, that my writing here has not been true to form. that is, i've been self-censoring for far too long. yes, i'm happy with what i've written here, and pleased that some people like it. but...

while it's all lovely to write about gardening (and i'd love to get some input from people who've planted bulbs), hammie-hammie (who will be the death of me for her Houdini-like ability to escape from enclosed spaces), and fishie (nothing notable there!), the birds outside (spotted a new kind today, much to my delight), and working at LM's school (wonderful and productive, on many levels), discovering new layers and nuances to being married and committed to a wonderful partner (who rocks long and hard), and truly loving my life (as me, wife, mother, friend, daughter, aunt, volunteer, writer)...

i've only been writing about the lovely things, for the most part. and life - life is not always lovely. many times it's challenging, and most of the time it's pedestrian.

and as i was driving home from LM's school today, thinking about various parenting things, and who i would talk to and how, it hit me. i've let my 'audience' (she said, air quoting her ass off) define my posts for far too long, based on some internal rubric.

according to my IP tracker, there are people from my old company reading here. that's been the case for a long time, since way before the layoffs. i can make an educated guess, based on timestamps, who they might be. and some of them are part of an invited and welcome audience. but really, i can't say for sure who comes here. and i've had in mind, when writing, how the gossip might go down. mind you, gossip is a fact of life, and things that you read on the 'net make the rounds. so i don't fault anyone. but i've been holding back because of that.

but, as i wended my way home today, i thought, 'who are they to judge? and why should i care?' after all, it's not like it would cost me my job. ;) when it comes down to it, i've been self-censoring based on some internally projected Bogey Man, and the concommitant imagined ills that could ensue. but there's nothing that they could do to me now. no, not now. not after all that i have learned and gained in the past year. really, not after all i've learned and gained in the past few years. being with hubby, and finding a way to work out our commitment to each other in a productive and supportive way... figuring out how to become several new things, and let go of other roles... hashing out how to be me, and a mom, and a part of the step-parenting consortium (as the unholy alliance has become a friendly committee)...

these people who have been the imagined Bogey Man don't have any hold on me, not any longer. if they feel the need to dish? how is that any different than what any other reader might do? if i'm willing to put myself out there in a public forum, and subject my life to discussion around any water cooler - why should i care about the one water cooler i can identify?

(i also want to say - this is not a case of wanting to trash my old place. not at all. i haven't held back on that at all. no, they were good for as long as it lasted, we outlived our usefulness to each other, and then there was A Parting Of Ways. so be it. no, the self-censorship has been all on the personal front.)

i shouldn't censor. and i won't. this is my space. i will discuss what i want, when i want. if this is a free for all therapy space at times? so be it. if i talk incessantly about the animals (or, as hubby calls our home, The New Ark)? so be it. if i have more questions than answers? i imagine you can guess the response. :)

it may seem self-evident that if this is my space, the discussion will be held on my terms. but sometimes, i need to rediscover that concept. and isn't that part of what it means to be a writer... constantly discovering?

:: scribbled at 2:05 AM ... ... o