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Saturday, August 13, 2005

yewpha1. what a day.

it all came crashing down on me today, around 2:30, when i least expected it - weboughtahousewithalotoflandandanapartment. gah! eeeee! whatthehellwasithinking? aaahhhhhh!

for those of you who have been concerned with my seeming lack of panic - welcome. :) it's all here. i don't know what the trigger was, but i'm well in the midst of it.

thankfully, hubby was able to talk me down from the height of the panic attack, so that i was able to pick up Little Man without looking like a sweating, twitching mess. as i expected (and said to hubby on the phone), he did see my panic attack as a positive thing. he's been nervous because i *haven't* been terrified of owning a home. now, i am. and yes, once i get past the panic, i will try to harness the energy in a positive way.

in other news, i had the Worst Stinky Pit Day Ever yesterday. aren't you glad you kept reading? ;) of course, the fact that i *marinated* in my car for at least 3 hours didn't help. as you may know, i blew the AC in my car last summer, and haven't yet repaired it. mostly, not an issue; i just go with the 4x50 AC. but on days like we've had, where it's 90°, hazy and humid? i last about 20 minutes before melting down. or just melting.

so, i tried to drive out to a bird shop the other day, to find a better bird feeder. since i've put a feeder out front, we've had wrens, chickadees, mourning doves, blue jays, and cardinals. we've also grown a lawn. every time i wanted to grow grass? no luck. now? all the seed that falls on the ground grows like gangbusters. :) so i've been trying to find a feeder with a good tray (less seed on the ground, less lawn). i finally have time to make the effort to go out to this store... and. they. are. closed. for vacation. and didn't bother to post it on their site. half hour out, much frustration, half hour back, and me being very pissy. i think i might have been less pissed if i hadn't sweated thru everything i was wearing before i got to the store.

hopefully, the store that Chef recommended (much closer to home, and with posted hours) will have the right stuff.

and in a little bit more of Way TMI: we were headed home the other night, and i was walking over to the parking garage to get the car when the skies opened. torrential downpours. and i? was wearing flip flops. to nobodys surprise, i wiped out on the cobblestones. utterly ungraceful, sort of, sideways split, that (in a charitable glance) might have looked like a gymnastic move, or a yoga pose. mostly, it was me landing squarely with all my weight on my kneecap. didn't scream, didn't wuss, but had my wind knocked out of me. thankfully, there are still some charitable individuals in the world - one asked if i was okay, and another handed my pocketbook back to me. yowcha. the bruises will come out later; right now, i'm just glad that nothing was broken.

on a related note: as part of trying to feel calm, and feel like we *own* the place, and as if we've actually *done* something by buying the place we're already in, i've been doing any number of small projects. among them has been reclaiming a corner that belonged largely to our landlord (left alone in case we moved out) and only recently mine. i spent some time today setting up my stereo in this corner, and debating what i would like to hang on the walls, and how to make it more comfortable... and most of all, appreciating that i have a small corner of our home that is just for me.

~deep breath~

it will all be fine. it will all be fine. it will all be fine. i have a great guy, who loves and supports me, who believes that it will all be fine. i have a wonderful kid, who depends on me, and thinks that it will all be fine. it will all be fine. *deep breath*

1* nota bene for my friends and longtime readers: yes, i have indeed been known to swear like a sailor and make Marines blush. interesting thing about parenting - when you start looking at what you require of your child, you have to look long and hard at what you require of yourself. while i have been known to use every variant of fuck, and to good effect... not so much now. i don't want LM to think that it's good manners to do so. yes, he will learn All Those Words. yes, he will use them at home. yes, we will have The Discussion, hopefully as an interchange. but for now? my cursing is restricted, by choice, to shoot, dang (courtesy of katherine), darn, poo, rats, and sugar beans (courtesy of Chica Bean). (the last is very satisfying, when shouted at loud volumes.)

:: scribbled at 1:34 AM ... ... o

Thursday, August 11, 2005

sometimes, it's the little things.

i was making my tea this morning, standing at the cart, stirring in the sugar and cream, and sort of spacing out, appreciating the sunlight splittering across the surface of the mug, and right then, in that moment, i was very happy.

there's a reason that your parents wish for you to have kids just like yourself. i think this often, when trying to roust a grumpy, non-morning loving, sarcastic kid out of bed. i especially think this when i offer him French toast and he announces that he wants to go out to The Pink Place (our nickname for a local place with, yes, pink walls) because 'they make it better'. right. brutal honesty won't get you far in your diplomatic career, little man. after all, the embassy hasn't called me lately. ;)

on the good mornings, i step back, and think yeah, i've had mornings like that, too. nothing else, just acknowledgement, and a growing appreciation for my parents. it makes the little moments, of seeing sunlight on my tea mug, all the sweeter. and moments like that help me to not take the rest of it so seriously or personally.

:: scribbled at 10:22 AM ... ... o

Monday, August 8, 2005

ask, and ye shall receive. ;)

because shelley asked, and we're nothing if not helpful here at the danish outpost, here is a photo of the Best Purchase, Ever:

our lovely kitchen cart

it's from Crate and Barrel, and well worth the price, i think. i had gotten it for hubby, when he was still in his apartment, which had highly limited and not very accessible counter space. the counter was a long L, and there were really only two small spots on either side of the sink that were easily reachable for prep work, and one of those was taken up with a tea towel for drying hand wash dishes and knives.

the cart is on wheels, which we leave locked all the time. bins are accessible from both sides - handy when you need something and the chef is busy chopping. and the cutting surface has held up really well. generally, i do use cutting boards on it, largely because they're easier to clean (they go to the sink, while the sink does not come to the cart). but i think with a little loving care and the occasional oiling, it would do just fine. the *only* quibble i have, and it's really a user problem, is that the crumbs that get between the drop down leaves (leafs?) are a bit hard to clean out.

(and if any of you doubt my perfectionist streak, despite the recent wave of peace and compromise? i had to adjust the tea towel on the drawer handle *twice* before i was happy with the photo.)

also, because i had the camera out, which is as good a reason as any:

a new bromeliad i got to replace a very decrepit plant from the old office (the painting behind it is a zen kitty, courtesy of the ever lovely ruowyn, and i love that zen kitty is peeking thru the leaves):

and some new bamboo that i got for hubby the other night, because his altar/incense space was looking a bit sparse and neglected with an empty bamboo container (we somehow didn't give the last batch enough water). let's ignore the fact that 7 lucky stalks of bamboo cost me $13 and change (naaaaaah, i'm not superstitious):

new bamboo!  all happy and pretty!

coming soon, pix of the outdoor gardens.

:: scribbled at 12:47 AM ... ... o