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Thursday, December 30, 2004

the tsunami that recently followed the landmark (no pun intended) earthquake continues to stun, horrify, and dismay.

found out from a mutual friend that an acquaintance of ours who winters in Thailand survived the disaster, which was a relief. but so very, very many people didn't make it. and so very, very many more won't.

courtesy of ken, some before and after images to help understand (!) what happened. (can't even begin to comprehend...)

and courtesy of The Command Post, a summary of organizations helping tsunami survivors. there are quite a few links there, both in the entry and the comments; it appears (based on my skimpy research) to be one of the most complete resources for finding out who's helping and how to donate.

namastè, all. prayers and well wishes being offered from here.

:: scribbled at 11:47 PM ... ... o

i had all sorts of intentions for today, but they all seemed to go out the window early on.

truth be told, i'm having a hard time with schedules and motivation lately. i'm plenty motivated to find a new job, but a bit terrified of each step, if that makes any sense. and getting up at the crack of dawn just doesn't seem all that key; as long as there are enough hours to get things done, why do they have to be done between 9 and 5? of course, that's just building trouble for later when i really have to adhere to some societal norm, but for now, it's hard to pay attention to the alarm clock. so when hubby (!) let me sleep in today, i didn't argue too hard.

and then there was the scene that greeted me when i did get downstairs: one small feverish kid passed out on the couch, one sleep deprived adult propped up at the breakfast bar with a cup of coffee nearby. should have expected something similar, as there were a few middle of the night calls for dad. (have i mentioned what a worthwhile investment the baby monitor feels like? $15 for peace of mind and instant alerts. makes me feel far better about bedrooms on separate floors.) but i guess i very much wanted people (okay, Little Small) to be okay for vacation week.

so: late start, no shower, no caffeine, and mopping barf off the floor. yee hah. being hormonal and stifling the gag reflex does not add up to a happy beth.

i've also found, as i was discussing with my mom the other day, that it's hard to feel like much has been accomplished at the end of a day where progress is measured in grocery shopping, dusting, and organizing. i'm so used to charts, reports, deadlines and deliverables that i'm not sure how to recalibrate. sure, stuff is getting done, but what? so a day like today, where chili was made and Uno was played, temperature taken, blankets straightened, a few stray phone calls made, plans cancelled, and (finally) a shower taken - i'm hard pressed to see where progress was made, until i sit down and type it all out. it all felt like ... well, like not much. but looking at it now, explaining the day, i guess it was productive. and please understand - i mean absolutely no offense to anyone. being a stay at home mom is most certainly a full time job, plus. it's just an unfamiliar one for me.

rereading this entry so far, it all seems a bit whiny. i don't mean to be whiny. i'm just feeling my way along in a land without many familiar landmarks, and it's confusing.

let's try this again:

both my boys have been sick today, and i'm glad that i was able to look out for them. LS felt well enough in fits and starts to play a few rounds of Uno, and make some nifty Fuse Bead projects. (he let me make one too, and i now have a lovely plastic sailboat.) Hubby was pretty low key, and did help out with dishes and trash today, despite not feeling well himself, as well as making a run to the store for cheese (important for cheese toasties to go with the chicken noodle soup, which fortunately did not need to be mopped up from anywhere). i made a new recipe today, which for some reason i've been itching to make - Black Bean Chili Mac, which was outstandingly tasty topped with taco cheese mix and diced fresh avocado.

i did make a phone call this afternoon to verify my unemployment status; it appears that i've managed to get all the i's dotted and t's crossed, so as to enable cash flow to start coming my way next week (who knew it would be 7+ weeks before i'd see any money? god, the services retained by my former company certainly found every way possible to dick me over on that one, thru the beauty of bureaucracy. remind me not to rant about that, ever. ;) ). that felt like a small victory, for sure.

hhhmmmm. so, it all comes down to perspective, doesn't it? (note to self: focus on the positive; far more productive.) this whole money panic and fear of the job hunt are monkeying with my ability to see the good. hum along with me, if you want to: there is good in this, there is good in this, there is good in this, it is not the end of the world, life is good and positive, there are opportunities, each day is a new chance, life is good.

random other miscellania knocking around in my head:

some days, i feel like i have all the wrong kinds of empathy. our landlord stopped by the other night, and ended up talking about his dad, who is in a rough place medically. it reminded me of some experiences i've had, with my gram in particular, which i shared with him. and as soon as i'd opened my mouth, i felt like i was just nattering. my experience isn't all that much like his, and trying to find common ground did nothing for him. it was one of those moments where nodding and saying you're sorry would really have fit better.

beaucoup de la neige! pardon the half-remembered high school French, but dayum, we got much snow. not as much as my parents, who thankfully never lost power, and not nearly as much as down Maine. but enough to make me thankful for a roof over our heads and hot cocoa.

cooking is therapeutic for me, which made day before yesterday quite satisfying. after a late start (see motivation, above), i marshalled kitchen resources and made a plan, and went to town. baked orange almond banana bread, to use up some very ripe bananas (and inadvertently left out the oil, but it came out fine, probably due to an excess of banana), brownies for a planned visit with neighbors (cancelled; see creeping crud, above), and carrot cake for my hubby's birthday. yes, complete with cream cheese frosting and a candle. ;) also made a birthday dinner for him: crab Newburg over fresh spinach and buttered toast points, braised endive, and sauteed bell peppers in balsamic vinegar. the endive were not nearly as tasty as 1/4 cup of butter would seem to promise, but the dinner overall was quite lovely (says hubby). and it was very nice to be able to make an excellent dinner for him, given that our resources are somewhat limited for the time being.

New Year's looks like it will be a small, quiet celebration here at home. and that's okay. i'll miss getting together with our friends, whom we see altogether too little of, esp. our friends Across The Pond, J&M, who will be staying close to home for the most delightful of reasons shortly (baby!). but we'll call all our friends, and wish them well, and make plans to go to them when we can. and we'll call family, and have dinner as a family (god, how much i love that we are a family, the three of us), and break out the sparkling grape juice and toast each other (LS is already well versed in the art of the toast, little performer that he is), and start the new year together. and that's good. :)

i do appreciate that each of you comes here to read; it's especially nice, when i've cobbled together a big ol' entry like this, which is more about emptying my head for therapeutic reasons, to know that a few of you will actually slog thru it all. oh, it does feel good, to be able to write it all out, and see the positive that is there.

best wishes for the New Year, everyone; hope the past year brought you to a good place, hope your celebrations are happy, hope the coming year is one of growth, and happiness, and peace. :)

:: scribbled at 9:26 PM ... ... o

unconscious mutterings:

holiday:: swamped
fault:: line
beep:: beep - Roadrunner
bubble:: bath
needle:: in a haystack
fare:: menu
treat:: chocolate
express:: lane
webcam:: boring
capital:: expenditure

:: scribbled at 4:16 PM ... ... o

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

a sneak peak at the wedding:

the happy new family

the happy new family after the ceremony. :) will write more soon, but wanted to get this out for the curious.

:: scribbled at 1:22 AM ... ... o