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Friday, June 25, 2004


that would be the sound of my brain falling out. the stress of moving has rendered me near incoherent. it shouldn't be that hard: put stuff in boxes, put boxes on truck, take boxes off truck. lather, rinse, repeat.

but my god. packing up two houses, and who packs what, and how much do we do on our own, and how much do we help each other (not as silly as it sounds - aren't you particular about how certain of your things are handled or sorted? i think we all are, a little bit.), and what order do we do this in, and what should we be spending on a truck, and where does the cat go, and how about Little Small, and you think we should have movers? what? didn't we decide that cost too much? right. our time is worth money. and why can't i shit enough bills to cover movers? and where does all the stuff that we don't take go - how do we get it to the shelter/Goodwill/friends? and when can we move in, and do i cover the utilities, or do you, oh wait, we both have to do that, and will we have phone/heat/running water, and have you called the landlord, right, wait, i was going to, oh, wait, no, you were, shit, where's my coffee, fuck, do you have the packing tape, damnitalltohell, where's the sharpie, i've got to label this box, damnit, *no*, i don't have any idea what we're doing for dinner, *fuckitalltohell*

i don't have any brain power left.

and yet. the only way up is thru. this has to get done, and i'm trying not to look so much at the task as the next place, and the person i'm with, and know that we are there for each other, and that to be *there* requires *this*, and trying not to get stuck in *this*.

working on practicing empathy, and patience, and understanding, for The Dane, and Little Small, and especially for me - which sounds a bit selfish, but you can only be as good to other people as you have first been to yourself.

Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.

- Jelaluddin Rumi, b. 1207

:: scribbled at 12:07 AM ... ... o

Thursday, June 24, 2004

anyone else find that the release of Final Fantasy XI makes you wonder how they define 'final'?

just wondering.

:: scribbled at 8:54 PM ... ... o

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

there are a couple of memes in which i participate, off and on; most times i see them as a harmless diversion.

they're something to do for fun, or because deeper words just aren't flowing. (not that i think of my writing as especially deep, but hopefully you know what i mean.)

then there was a recent list for unconscious mutterings. i actually flinched and felt myself getting a little flushed when i saw #10: stepmother.

i immediately assumed that most of the answers would be 'wicked' or 'evil'. after all, isn't that the stereotype? aren't we all raised with images in fairytales of the widowed father remarrying, and the second wife putting the children to work, or worse, kicking them out of the house? then i thought, perhaps i'm a little gunshy these days. so i did a poll of UM players, to see who said stepmothers were wicked, and who said something else. much to my surprise and delight, responses ran about 50/50 - with the scales tipping in favor of 'other'.

all of which gets me to thinking: what other words might i have reacted to and, in so doing, unintentionally hurt or offended someone, because that word resonates for them?

not that i have any clear ideas yet, but the idea of judging/being judged, how we situate ourselves in this world, and how others fit into that, or vice versa, has been percolating in my head, inspired in part by mechaieh's sermon, which she describes as "something to do with how we (ought to) gauge and engage with Others".

the idea of engaging and (not)judging came back around a few weekends back. the three of us had gone over to a local park to try out Little Small's new fishing pole. it's a good sized pond, either stocked or naturally blessed with finny friends. it also appears to be a favorite spot for walkers and strollers of all ages. as we were messing around with the pole (with mixed success) a group of three men slowly worked their way past us. one of the men was moving tenderly, as if he wasn't sure his body would hold up, another seemed to have some version of Tourette's as well as muscles that weren't cooperating, and the third was their counselor. Little Small seemed curious, and i mentioned that some people are wired differently, and let it go at that.

about 10 minutes later, LS started 'barking' and laughing. i asked where the sound was coming from, and he said that he was annoyed by the man making the noise. (gotta love the acoustic properties of water.) so we had a little chat, where i tried to explain that the brain doesn't always do what we want. 'what if *baloney* you said *baloney* some silly word *baloney* all the time *baloney* and couldn't stop *baloney* yourself from *baloney* saying it?'

i could see the little wheels turning in his head. when i asked him how he thought the man might feel about making the noise, and maybe he was annoyed, too, Little Small said 'yeah. and it must be hard for him to drive, too.' have no idea how he got there, but it was lovely to see him working thru other ways of seeing people, and trying to be empathetic. and it's an image i keep coming back to, as i work on my own ability to be open and understanding.

:: scribbled at 6:09 PM ... ... o

bs sent me a cat video this morning; just what i needed to make me laugh.

(you've probably seen it, as it's been around a while - a pastiche of home movies of cats doing silly things, like 'combat' with a cactus, or jumping into - and promptly out of - the tub.)

and silliness is just about where i'm at, as i try not to spin into pieces. in the vein of goof-nitude, a quiz, gacked from madelah (thanks!).

How to make a msophelia

5 parts mercy

3 parts brilliance

1 part empathy
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little lustfulness if desired!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

:: scribbled at 5:30 PM ... ... o

to the gentleman driving the silver QBertexusiniti in front of me last night:

yes, the tape did match the shiny silver paint on your car.

no, the turn signal could not penetrate the tape. nor could the brake light.

sometimes, it's not about accessorizing.

the following traffic

:: scribbled at 1:53 PM ... ... o

Monday, June 21, 2004

random quiz, for a random day... (as this is about as much as my brain can process...)

Insular Majuscule
Insular Majuscule- You are spiritual and well rounded. People look to you for advice, but sometimes find you difficult to understand.

What Calligraphy Hand Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

(gacked from mechaieh... and one of these days, i'll be able to spell that without checking twice. ;) )

:: scribbled at 5:41 PM ... ... o

unconscious mutterings:

Abundance :: fields
Casino :: wheel
Shell :: station
Overpriced :: market economy
Cancellation :: inevitable
Eternal :: wind
Lyrics :: karaoke
Faith :: based-initiative
Because :: non-negotiable
Wimp :: out

:: scribbled at 11:02 AM ... ... o