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Friday, January 9, 2004

last night, no music. there was tuna noodle casserole. today, migraine.

:: scribbled at 2:16 PM ... ... o

Thursday, January 8, 2004

brain drivel (or, A Snapshot of Our Heroine's Cogitations):

a little sad that the Points 4 Safety billboard inspired me to accidentally swerve into the wrong lane. i was trying to read the safety tips, drove where i was looking. (remember that from learning to drive, or was that just me? steer straight ahead, look to the left to check traffic, no, don't *drive* to the left...)

it's been ass-droppingly cold here today. yes, i think i just coined that. i used to rate cold by the expletive that left my mouth first upon leaving the house, ie, shitcold. skot has another one i love: shrivel-dickest. but today, today has surpassed all of that. i think i'm getting wimpier in my old(er) age.

there was a moment, when contemplating how to thaw my sinuses, which felt like rocks of ice just under my socket bones, that i thought about hanging my head upside down and having The Dane pour coffee in my nose. except that that would have required effort, and pausing in the windy cold. and there was cream in the coffee.

tree is down, ornaments packed, space regained. i didn't mind cleaning up all of that, because it meant i could do it just my way. not that there aren't many perfectly good ways to pack ornaments safely, but this was sort of a big step: the Joining of the Ornaments and Stockings, between my house and his. yep, packed up all the ornaments in one place. this is the first time, i think, that my stocking (hand knit by an elderly aunt when i was a child, and the source of much discussion with the siblings since, as she did not knit more) has left my house. granted, it's a temporary thing, as me and he will be we shortly. but still.

latest musical discovery that's making me happy is Five for Fighting. i really like the latest single, 100 Years, but figured that any band named after a hockey penalty wouldn't turn out consistently moody alternapop, that it was a bit of a freak accident, like the one quiet song Axl Rose did. much to my delight, i was pleasantly surprised to find out the "band" is one guy, and all the songs are of the same ilk as the single i like.

still thinking about pulling together a holiday recap, and thinking that most of the high points have to do with Little Monkey Boy, and working up another piece on how parenting has changed and is changing my life, and how i feel about being a step parent.

less cranky today. thanks for asking.

wondering what little sprite was looking out for us New Year's Eve, when LMB clopped a lense out of The Dane's glasses. we didn't realize it until several minutes and a block later, because i'd tucked the glasses in my pocket. The Dane went back to find the lense... and he found it. and it wasn't scratched. and he put it back in the frame and had four eyes instead of three. and life was safe for humanity. what are the odds that, with all the hundreds of people walking around that night, that nobody stepped on it? amazing.

trying to figure out how to get to Toad to see Family Jewels without actually going outside...

:: scribbled at 6:12 PM ... ... o

Wednesday, January 7, 2004

really feeling quite immensely cranky right now. it's sort of been the mood for the day, i guess.

i had roughly ten minutes to get myself out the door this morning (a combination of miscommunications), didn't get a decently long shower (necessary meditation time for me), it's really freakin' cold out (she said, stating the bleedingly obvious), and i've had a low grade headache for most of the day. combine this with a few people at work being obscenely rude (was there a door on your barn, or were you raised in a pasture? nevermind.), and low blood sugar because of a poorly timed late lunch, and i'm just not in the best of moods.

i think a full two hours of massage, in front of a roaring fire, with soft lighting and gentle music, might get me back from that last nerve. hey, a girl can dream, can't she? doesn't everyone want a little pampering when they're cranky?

and of course, i'm trying to rein in the crank, which just makes me snappier. i'm still trying, tho, because The Dane is trying to quit smoking (yay!! boy flavored boy!) and the last thing he needs is my foul temper on top of his (i'm guessing) already edgy state. having quit myself, smoking and occasionally weaning myself off caffeine, i can appreciate how very tender things may be feeling for him. perhaps, if you're feeling gracious (compared to me, you certainly are), you'd stop by his place and offer a gentle word of support? i'm sure he'd appreciate it, and gentle words are a bit thin on the ground for me right about now, altho he is getting all i can marshall.

here's hoping that a good night's rest, and perhaps a splash of Baileys, will lead to a more cheerful outlook tomorrow. meanwhile, i'll try to keep myself amused by thinking of my favorite scene from Pirates of the Caribbean, where Will Turner and Jack Sparrow are having at it:

Turner: You cheated!
Sparrow: [shrug] Pirate!

made me laugh a lot when we saw the movie the other night (very much worth the rental), and still makes me smile.

:: scribbled at 6:08 PM ... ... o

Tuesday, January 6, 2004

i keep thinking (optimistically) that i'll find a good chunk of time, few hours, to sit down & write a really trenchant review of the last few weeks.

ha. what was i thinking? between things that need to get done, things that want to get done, getting from one point to another, points being more various these days, and limited access to a computer, it's hard to carve out that time.

also, i find that my focus is a little ... less focused lately. not sure where that's coming from (more to focus on, in an oxymoronic sort of way, or time of year (short, grey days make me sad), or holidays), altho i'm not sure it really matters where, just that that's the case.

so, all of these things bumbling 'round in my head, and feeling (as i do every so often) that i'm not much of a writer these days, and not even much of a chronicler, and wanting to get things down, and wanting to carve out a block of time to do that, and trying to keep up with friends at the same time... i've decided to just plunk down 15 or 20 minutes worth of words each day and see where that gets me.

(the friends thing - i don't mean it to sound like a chore, because it isn't, not at all. it's just that i start reading to see who's up to what, and oooooo, pretty link and it's off to the races. easily distracted, i am.)

why am i wanting to write these days? i'm wanting to mush things around and make sense of where i am, what i'm doing, how i'm changing, so i can start to see a pattern if there is one, or at least some sort of sense of what's happening in my life. there's nothing bad, really; i'm not looking at this in a recovery sort of way. but in a sense, it is a sort of therapy in that i can't always tell why i'm reacting to events, or why i feel a particular way these days.

gah. that sounds vague and pointless. let's try this: i have changed my life around so much in the last year that even i don't see how much change there has been. it's all for the good, but i need to build myself a road map, an atlas of sorts, to see where i've been. not navel gazing, because i find that indulgent. more in an 'ah. so that's where i've been. and *that's* where that choice got me' way. grounding. it's all about grounding, planting my feet so i can pick the next path.

(rereading, it all sounds like just so much touchy feely babble, and i want to tighten it up, make it shine, turn out a really good piece of writing. but it's just going out the way it is, because otherwise, i'll stay in the non-writing groove.)

all that being said, i think i still want to ponder the next entry, and pull together all the little random bits of the last few weeks into something presentable. so, off to find some groceries and take down the Christmas tree, after we make sure there's a decent picture of it for the records. exciting, no? ;)

:: scribbled at 5:24 PM ... ... o

unconscious mutterings:

Vintage:: dress
Longing:: yen
Specimen:: bottle
Mock:: turtleneck
Shit:: storm
Friday:: film noir
Cruel:: indifference
Insufficient:: funds
Pessimistic:: sour
Grin:: and bear it

:: scribbled at 11:58 AM ... ... o

a little silliness* to help ease back into a full work week, yes?

environmentally sound bubblewrap! (it's really best with the sound on...)

*now, see, i had a spelling moment and had to check the dictionary to see if there was an 'e' in the middle. did you know that the root of silly is from the Old English gesœlig, meaning blessed? neither did i. there you go - new tidbit for the day.

:: scribbled at 10:28 AM ... ... o